Jesus Christ Charles Darwin Religion Evolution

Image from Sunt Omnes Unum

Warning: This is a (somewhat) satirical post, and therefore, should not be taken seriously. This does not reflect anyone entirely in anyway.

 

Christians, whether the Roman Catholic, the Eastern Orthodox or the Protestant variety, almost always tend to be preachy—don’t you think so? My news feed in facebook attests to this. Pictures of Jesus with captions like ‘Share if you Love HIM’ usually appears every once in a while, as I scroll down on my facebook homepage. In contrast, I barely see posts related to atheism or agnosticism. Well, it is to be expected since these people don’t have any reason to  share or show their beliefs.

But, what if these atheists or agnostics act like how religious people do? And no, flooding facebook posts don’t count. What I mean is what if they actually get out to the real world and act just like Christians. Can you see the picture? No? Then let me help you.

Imagine an event held by an organization of scientists, who are mostly atheists and agnostics, that has a non-believer’s version of an invocation. One of the emcees will ask everyone to stand up and have a moment of silence for this part of the program. One man then gets the mic, and recites the following:

In the name of the Problem, of the Experiment and of the Conclusion. Amen. Oh organic brains, may you help us today in our work, and not be a scumbag when we need you. May our neurons transmit and process useful information to be able to do careful observations that will lead to experiments in controlled environments. And through our gathered data,may we be able to deduce conclusions in hopes of delineating an accurate theory for the benefit of the scientific community, and more importantly, the humanity. In the name of the Problem, of the Experiment and of the Conclusion. Amen.

Ok, it may not really be like that, but it would definitely be something like that. Now, this is just the start. It actually gets better (or worse, whichever you prefer.) Do you know how devoted Christians do random bible readings in public? Well, non-believers may just do the same thing, and it’s probably just as good or as annoying.

Visualize yourself seating in a bus, enjoying a peaceful ride. Suddenly, one of the passengers at the front stands up. He is obviously a geek (or nerd) with his big, ugly glasses matched with his polo-shirt tucked in his smarty pants. You notice that he holds a thick, thousand-page book in his right hand, entitled “Three-in-One Textbook: Cosmology, History and Paleontology.” He opens it and shouts “My brothers and sisters. There is no god. We are apes that evolved through-out the millennia, and learned how to use tools to survive. Let me tell you words of enlightenment to bring you true salvation.” He flips the book open, turns the pages to hundreds, and continues to speak. “As this highly-intellectual and accurate book says, on Chapter 3, page 456, Section 7, paragraph 3…” His eyes move from side to side as he reads the following aloud:

In the beginning, there was a bang, a very big bang. And by the laws of physics, there came light. And the light was good. The light separated itself from darkness. And the light was not called light because there were no people to name it like that, but it was there anyway.

And he goes on, and on, and on until he gives out envelopes to everyone, asking for donations for the benefit of the quantum mechanics research of his group. You give money either because you are compelled by the cause or guilty of your conscience. Yes, you have to give money or the carbon in your body will be less meaningful than others’—if that means anything.

Now, that doesn’t sound too bad, right? Try picturing some scenes of an atheist’s wedding or an agnostic’s funeral. How about hopeless romantics carefully analyzing the probability of their crush liking them back instead of praying about it. People saying ‘Oh my facts‘ instead of the usual ‘Oh my god.’ These are really interesting scenarios that isn’t that far from reality. Let’s just be thankful that there are no people that are crazy enough to do this kind of crazy shit. Or maybe there should be?

Disclaimer: This is a satirical post, and in no way reflects atheists or agnostics. 

Comments on: "If Atheists and Agnostics Act Like Christians" (13)

  1. This is pretty fantastic! Thanks for the laugh.

  2. I will try to bring “Oh my Facts” into popularity. If it socially reaches you, take credit.

  3. I liked satire so I found this post funny. Some people are too serious and don’t find anything about theism or atheism humorous….but if we can’t laugh at ourselves and our silly ideas it would be such a drab world. thanks for the chuckle.

  4. 1. You’re confusing atheism (simply “belief there is no God”) with people who believe in the Big Bang theory etc. You don’t have to support science to be an atheist, it is just logical since both of them are highly logical positions.

    2. Atheists have no dogma or set view on the universe or its creation. Literally all atheism is is the belief there is no God.

    3. Using the logic from this post, musicians would be almost like religious people if they stood up and said, “Dear Holy Musical Note, we sing to you for allowing us the gift of music.” etc etc etc. Well yes they would sound crazy + religious, but not because they’re musicians. But because they’d be acting plain weird.

    • 1. No.
      2. Yes, and I don’t get your point.
      3. Duh. Does anyone know what a joke means?
      Take a break. Eat a KitKat.

      • Hi,

        If you’re saying I’m wrong, then please substantiate your claim that atheism requires belief in scientific theories such as the Big Bang.

        Thanks

        Larry

      • I’m not saying that you are wrong in what you think, but you are wrong for thinking that I am confusing things. If you will read the post again, it was stated there that the scientists are mostly atheists and agnostics. I didn’t say that the agnostics nor the atheists believe in scientific studies exclusively altogether.
        This is a satirical post, don’t take it too seriously. ;)

      • Ok, thanks. If this is parody, then Poe’s Law applies here.

      • Hmmm…. I guess the disclaimer at the bottom didn’t work too well. I’ll just go edit it to make it more understandable. ;) Apologies for the confusion.

  5. Honestly, besides the fact that atheism does not have to do anything with salvation nor is really suitable for anyone who wants to accept proof by authority, I don’t see why this is more or less laughable than actual religion… If anything, your posting showed that.

    • What I meant by salvation there is ‘freedom from the authority of religion.’ I don’t get what you are trying to say. But please don’t take this post too seriously.

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